I'm not going to waste your time or my own with a long diatribe against myself regarding what I've been doing with myself, this website, my instagram, or my hobby. Just know that life gets hard and shit like this takes a back seat real quick when you're having problems even just pulling yourself out of bed sometimes.
I tend to fall in to these patterns of spirals; one year is incredible, one year is bad. One month is the most amazing in the world, the next is absolutely horrendous and filled with an undetermined, neverending sadness. It's been said that artists and creatives see the most sadness, and to an extent that is true. On average, artists face higher levels of anxiety, depression, and other neurol atypical boundaries. How we engage with these issues and bounds are what define us, though. And for the longest time I allowed my boundaries to control me.
I'm not coming here to say that I'm going to PUSH MYSELF OUT and BREAK ALL THE WALLS DOWN, but moreso to provide an understanding that hey, I've had ahit going on and I've been TIRED. And I've accepted that it's okay to be tired. But what I do with that tiredness.... that is the key.
Covid destroyed me. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Working from home, I felt so isolated and alone. I locked myself away so much that doing something as simple as going to the grocery store on a busy Sunday afternoon would send me spiraling into anxiety and an overwhelmed state of mind. Covid killed my creative drive, my motivation, and my desire to enjoy life for a long time. But now, I finally feel like I can take that all back.
I don't know of it's the job change, the month and a half I took off between jobs, if its working out, or the sunny weather, if maybe there really is a big connection between diet and mental health (there is, take pre/probiotics and drink your water pls), or if the time I've spent trying to center myself as a whole has just filled me with vigor... but I've been feeling really good for the past few weeks. Even on my bad days, I still net positive.
I have no idea how long this will last, but I hope for a long time. I'm trying to gently nudge myself in to forming small habits (an hour of skating a couple times a week, 20 minutes of pilates, taking my vitamins) and am taking the time to kinda curate my life. Not full Marie Kondo, but enough that the change is able to be sustained.
Sewing for an hour a day. Playing with my dog. Cuddling with my husband on the couch. Caring for myself each night right when I get home and again before I go to bed. Drinking iced tea. Enjoying the small things that I can that help push me through the things I don't.
I've begun rambling.
I've been rambling
Here is the tl;dr:
I have been sad for two years and am taking the steps to make actual long-term change. I recognize that habits must start small and must be sustainable.
I am happy.
Thanks.