It's been a long time since I've done literally anything with this site, like over 2 years! But an acquaintance of mine made her own website recently and it made me realize that I should get off my ass and get back to trying to take myself seriously again. Not in a super extreme, weird way, but in a way that I may be able to create a side hustle through cosplay.
The issue? I hate commissions.
The other issue? I tried Patreon and it didn't really work out well for me.
Honestly, when I was focusing JUST on Patreon with no full time job, everything was great! I felt like I was able to balance my social life, clean my house, do all my adult chores, and be creative. The issue came when real life walked over and smacked me in the face; bills had to be paid, things had to be done, and a full-time job had to be taken. Things were going well, but the second I tried balancing working full time, Patreon, my usual content, and a social life, things really were thrown out of whack.
Now I'm not trying to be all 'woe is me I've gotta be an adult waaaaaaaaaaah' but it really fucking sucked
I woke up every day trying to figure out the best way to just shove everything into my schedule; free time was a thing of the past. My work was inconsistent and exhausting, I dreaded cosplay, and I basically did nothing with real people. I felt so guilty when I wasn't at home trying to work on cosplay stuff, but when I worked on cosplay, I felt so burnt out. But I kept trying.
Please, if you are an old Patron, know it was not your fault I felt burnt out. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. When I was creating my tiers, I created them while working 25 hours a week at a slow bank where I was able to work on things at work. So the things I was able to accomplish were much different than what I was able to accomplish working my new job.
And in late December/early January, my entire world just came crashing down around me. Nothing drastic happened, no one died or anything like that... I just felt like I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I really struggled to get out of bed, but just kept trying. Katsucon was coming up and I felt I NEEDED to make one more costume... And so I tried. Captain Fortune was my costume of choice, and it went well for about a week... but then I hit a road block. And I just snapped. I really really wish I knew what happened, but I couldn't stand to walk into my craft room anymore. In fact, I could hardly drag myself out of bed. I remember waking up some mornings and just crying because the pure thought of showering and going to work was just so overwhelming... I felt like I was drowning and couldn't drag myself up. But I kept trying to finish something, ANYTHING for Katsu.
So I chose a different project. I had three weeks until the con, but I really felt like if I had just ONE project done, I would feel good about myself. I went out to the store, I drank a lot of coffee, and then I got incredibly sick. Now knowing what I know, I kinda wonder if it was Covid-19 since this was around the time cases were beginning to really pop up in the US and my symptoms were 1 for 1. But the anti-bodies are gone now, so who knows. Regardless, I remember feeling so sick, laying on my couch, and crying over how I was a failure because I couldn't even produce a single costume for January for Patreon while watching How To Catch a Predator.
And that's when I made the decision that I just couldn't live my life like that any more.
I think it was that week, I went into Patreon and refunded EVERYONE for the last month or two. I posted my thing explaining why I was refunding everyone and went to bed. I remember waking up the day after doing that and feeling just a great sense of relief.
Since then, a lot has changed in my life: I no longer have a dedicated crafting area, I have a new job, and I finally have a bit of a drive to create fun and engaging costumes again. As we speak, I have my 3D printer beside me going through a 10-hour long print for a staff for another Diablo 4 design (yes, I'm a bit obsessed. Don't judge me). I've slowly began posting on social media, I've been speaking out more about social injustices, and I am just trying to remember how I felt this time last year: I was happy, excited to be alive, motivated, and felt on top of the world.
Every day is a bit easier than the last, but hopefully by the end of the year I will feel confident and steady. Hopefully I will have become the rock I so desperately needed earlier. Hopefully I will be my biggest supporter instead of my biggest critic. Hopefully, I just find joy in my craft again.
Sorry if this post feels all over the place; I've had some really weird and pent up emotions about Patreon that I feel like I just haven't been able to express. I figured since I'm trying to get into blogging and recording my experiences, this may be the best place to put it. Sometimes its a good idea to just kinda project your thoughts into the void, even if no one will see or hear them.